Cynical News Network

Only his dignity still missing

2008-03-28T20:52:00.002-04:00

ABC News reports on a New York pastor presumed kidnapped who turned up in an Ohio strip club.

A pastor whose disappearance from a small town in upstate New York triggered a search by police and the FBI was found earlier today — inside an Ohio strip club. Police said that when the Rev. Craig S. Rhodenizer, 46, was confronted by an officer, he began crying and said he couldn't remember anything about the 36 hours he was missing.

But dancers at the club remembered Rhodenizer. They told investigators that Rhodenizer spent two hours drinking, soliciting dances and making threatening comments. He also said he wanted to take the dancers back to his motel, according to the police report. In his car was a bottle of Bacardi rum.

Sgt. Frank Previte, an investigator with the Lewiston Police Department, told ABC News it was one of the most bizarre cases he's seen.

"They questioned him a bit. He was very distraught, crying and hysterical," Previte said. "He did not know where he was."

Rhodenizer was discovered more than 400 miles from his Lewiston, N.Y., home by police in Riverside, Ohio, who were checking out-of-state license plates of cars parked at the club in a high-crime section of the city.

When officers ran the New York license plate on Rhodenizer's Toyota Camry, the check showed the pastor as a missing person being sought by New York police and FBI. Riverside police called authorities in Lewiston and were instructed to approach Rhodenizer.

The pastor broke down when police asked if he was Rhodenizer, crying and asking about the welfare of his wife and son, according to a Lewiston police report. Ohio police took Rhodenizer to a hospital and towed his car. Previte was relieved the search for Rhodenizer ended safely for the pastor, even if it was under unseemly circumstances.

"Regardless, we don't have any indication that a crime has been committed," Previte said. "And I don't see that changing."

Susan Rhodenizer, the pastor's wife, told ABC News that the family is making arrangements for her husband to return home.

....Police said the pastor did not have any relevant criminal history. "In our check into his background, we could not come up with anything that indicated this was stress-incuded," Previte said.

Priorities

2008-03-27T21:26:00.002-04:00

KNTV reports on a woman with her priorities in order: 1) coffee, cell phone call, 3) driving.

OAKLAND, Calif. - A woman is safe after losing control of her car and accidently driving into the waters of the Oakland Estuary. But on the upside, she saved her morning coffee.

Authorities say the car went into the water a little after 6 a.m. Thursday after its 22-year-old driver apparently lost control of her car while reaching for a cell phone.

After the car became lodged in stilts under a home on the water, the driver was able to get out of the car and make it back to shore. Onlookers say she came ashore still cradling her coffee cup.

The Man Who Cried "Wombat"

2008-03-27T21:22:00.002-04:00

Metro.co.uk reports that a New Zealander who said he was raped by a wombat now admits to having lied. The wombat was not availble for comment by deadline for the report.

A man who told police he had been raped by a wombat has, perhaps not surprisingly, failed to substantiate his claim in court.

In fact, Arthur Ross Cradock has ended up in the dock himself and been ordered to do 75 hours' community work for wasting police time.

Not only did he make up the wombat rape story, but the New Zealander also insisted the trauma of the attack had left him "speaking Australian".

Too injured to run in anything but heels

2008-03-25T20:24:00.002-04:00

Yahoo! News reports on a man whose race performance in high heels ended his workers comp complaint:

HARTFORD, Conn. - Prosecutors say a video shows a Connecticut correction officer running a 40-yard-dash in women's clothing and high heels — at a time he had claimed he was too injured to work.

Garrett A. Dalton of Naugatuck has been charged with workers compensation fraud. He's accused of taking part in a radio station's contest for Hannah Montana concert tickets last year. Not only did he have to dress in drag but he had to carry an egg on a spoon.

Authorities were alerted after someone saw Dalton in a TV news report. Prosecutors say the 41-year-old collected more than $5,000 in workers' compensation after he reported a work-related injury in June. Court documents do not list an attorney for Dalton, and his phone number is unlisted. And no, he didn't win the contest.

He might be stupid, but he sure has style.

Going Postal...Twice

2008-03-25T20:19:00.002-04:00

Reloading when attacking with a six-shooter is one thing, but when driving into a building, that takes going postal to a whole new level of looney.

Glenn Sparling, 65, drove his vehicle into the modular building, knocking out a wall, until the car stopped running. He then fled the scene and went home and got his red antique sports car to finish the job.

Police spotted Sparling and gave chase until the pursuit ended when he ran the second car into the same building. While the damage was extensive, police said no one was inside the building or hurt when it was hit.

Sparling has been charged with numerous charges including felony vehicular fleeing, criminal mischief and leaving the scene of an accident with property damage. He is also charged with DWI, and authorities said federal charges are possible

Police said Sparling has a history of damaging postal buildings.

Zen Buddhist Dog

2008-03-24T21:00:00.005-04:00

We humans are so inventive. So why is it that truth is so much more damned unpredictiable than fiction? You can not make this shit up:

Zen Buddhist temple has enjoyed a surprising surge in visitors over the past few weeks – but not all are going in search of spiritual enlightenment.

Instead, they are flocking to see the amazing praying chihuahua.

Mimicking his priest master Joei Yoshikuni, Conan the dog joins in the daily prayers sitting up on his hind legs and putting his front paws together before the altar.

It took him only a few days to learn the motions, and now he is the talk of the town – and has been credited with a 30 per cent rise in attendance.

'Word has spread, and we are getting a lot more tourists,' Mr Yoshikuni said yesterday. Conan generally goes through his twice daily prayer routine at the Shuri Kannondo temple, in Naha, southern Japan, without prompting, the priest added.

'I think he saw me doing it all the time and got the idea to do it too,' Mr Yoshikuni said. He is now trying to teach the 18-month-old pedigree how to meditate. Well, sort of.

'Basically, I am just trying to get him to sit still while I meditate,' he explained. 'It's not like we can make him cross his legs.'

The check is in...my dog

2008-03-23T21:02:00.004-04:00

Fox 19 reports on a man who had a bitch destroy his $4,000 refund from the IRS. The bitch in question was a puppy, Naveah.

Dog Eats Tax Refund Check
A Massillon, Ohio man had a problem earlier this week. His dog ate his i-r-s refund check. Jeff Vogelgesang's doberman puppy, "Naveah", brings new meaning to the term "money hungry".

The pup found the check... Worth four *thousand* dollars... On the kitchen table. Once she got her little paws on it, she ate it. Jeff doesn't say if he came up with any new names for the dog after finding out about the check. Fortunately, the i-r-s believed his story and agreed to re-issue the check.

Arrested for reporting theft

2008-03-22T16:03:00.003-04:00

The Associated Press reports on a man getting arrested when he went to the police to report a theft. His main crime was stupidity. What he reported was that someone stole "parts of his cannabis plants." The man's story checked and he he got checked into jail.

SYDNEY, Australia — An Australian man's complaint of an break-in at his home went to pot Friday when police arrested him for growing marijuana.

The 35-year-old man in the central Australian city of Adelaide called police to report that six men had broken into his house through a window and stolen parts of his cannabis plants, South Australia Police said.

Police were unable to find the intruders but brought a drug warrant to search the home, where they found six large cannabis plants growing in two bedrooms, police said in a statement. The man was charged with cultivating cannabis for sale.

"Members of the public are reminded that the growing of cannabis is not only illegal but can also attract other criminal activity such home break-ins and assaults," the statement said.

Mysterious naked man - in gas mask

2008-03-22T15:57:00.002-04:00

Metro.co.uk reports on a man wearing nothing but a gas mask being sought by police.

Police in Massachusetts are hunting a mysterious naked man, who was seen by several witnesses wandering around town wearing nothing but a gas mask.

The nakedness was first observed by a witness at about 9.40pm last Thursday, when a motorist spotted the naked gas mask guy lurking in the entrance of a building in Newton, Massachusetts....

The naked man and his gas mask were next reported when a woman heard her doorbell ring. Looking out through her door's peephole, she noticed that the person who'd rung her doorbell was naked, and wearing a gas mask.

Authorities believe that it may have been the same naked gas mask-wearing guy.

The gas mask-wearer is described as approximately 30 years old, 6 foot tall, around 14 stone, and naked.

Why wasn't the description more complete—circumcisized, uncircumsized, etc. I know, I know, I can here you saying it, "Duh, Snarkiest, that would only be needed if there were a lot of guys going around in gas masks and you want to get the right one." True enough, but how many times do you get to give such a complete description of the peeping tom?

Bride Arrested at Wedding

2008-03-21T08:28:00.003-04:00

WLBZ Channel 2 reports of a woman arrested just before her wedding. Her crime? Blatant stupidity. There was a warrant out for her arrest and she scheduled her wedding for the courthouse.

GERING, Neb.(AP) — Scotts Bluff County deputies arrested 31-year-old Dianne Carnes on Tuesday afternoon, just after her courthouse wedding was to have started.

Her offense? Officials say a day earlier, Carnes threatened a woman who served on the jury of her trial. Prosecutors say Carnes was caught driving last year while her license was suspended for a drunken driving conviction. Carnes was found guilty of driving under suspension Monday.

Officials say an arrest warrant was issued Monday for Carnes after she threatened the juror.

Meanwhile, Carnes had called a county clerk to schedule her wedding for the next day, and was arrested in front of her wedding party when she showed up for the ceremony.

She was arrested just in time. Someone that dumb should not be allowed to procreate.

Important evidence left - his son

2008-03-21T08:23:00.003-04:00

Reuter's reports on a Dutch man who made too hasty a getaway—he forgot his son and then tried not to go back for him.

AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - A shoplifter looking to make a quick getaway from a Dutch supermarket after stealing a packet of meat left police a crucial piece of evidence—his 12-year-old son.

In his haste the 45-year-old thief made a solo dash to his car, batting away a supermarket worker who had flung himself on the vehicles' bonnet in a bid to stop the escape.

Police in the southern Dutch town of Kerkrade said they managed to contact the thief via the boy, but he had refused to return and collect his son. The man told officers to get hold of the youngster's mother instead.

The thief later turned himself in Thursday, a police spokeswoman said.

If you are going to use the Jean Valjean defense (I had hungry children to feed), then it's best not to try to foist your kid off on the Mom in order to avoid arrest.

Chinese toilets not worth squat

2008-03-20T07:22:00.001-04:00

Reuter's reports that China has caved in to give Western visits the toilets they want.

BEIJING (Reuters) - Beijing organizers are refitting the toilets at three main Olympic venues after complaints from foreign athletes about having to squat, an official said Wednesday.

Most toilets in China are still of the squat rather than sit-down variety, as spectators and competitors at recent test events in otherwise state of the art venues like the "Water Cube" aquatics center discovered.

"In my personal point of view, there are cultural differences between Chinese and Western people. Chinese are more used to squat toilets," said Yao Hui, a senior official responsible for the management of Olympic venues.

...Beijing has 5,200 public toilets, the Beijing Evening Post reported earlier this month, more than any city in the world. Yao said he believed that eventually, the majority of Chinese would use the sit-down variety of toilet, as people do in large parts of the developed world.

Westerners wouldn't stand for squat toilets. Chinese were willing to sit down and discuss the problem. Toilet problems don't run over. Next...

Dependency or Co-Dependency

2008-03-20T07:12:00.001-04:00

Following up on an earlier story covered widely elsewhere, the Associated Press reports,

A man whose girlfriend authorities say spent nearly two years in a bathroom in their house, sitting on the toilet so long that the seat adhered to her body, has been charged with mistreatment of a dependent adult....

"I looked at the statutes and spoke to the attorney general's office," [Ness County Attorney Craig Crosswhite] said. "This was a very unusual set of circumstances, and this is the law that most closely applied to the situation."

I guess there are no laws that directly apply to getting stuck on a toilet seat. But it seems to me like a charge of Co-dependency in the First Degree would fit best.

Another sign of high gas prices

2008-03-20T06:48:00.002-04:00

An Arizona woman was willing to offer sex for gas, in the fight that ensued at some point she partially severed a finger before ending up in jail. Channel 12 News wrote the story this way:

Woman offers sex for gas
An encounter in east Mesa has left a woman in jail and a man with injuries from an assault. Details of what happened depend on who is doing the talking.

A Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office spokesman says 43-year-old Kelli Still appeared at the home of an acquaintance near University Drive and Ellsworth Road. Deputies claim Still intended to barter oral sex for gas money. Instead, Still is accused of using a pair of scissors to stab Michael Hamilton several times. When deputies arrived, both Still and Hamilton were bloody. Still was eventually booked in the 4th Avenue Jail on aggravated assault charges.

Hamilton disputes the deputies’ account of the assault. He has visible stab wounds under his right eye and on the back of his head. Hamilton says he did not know Still. He added that she appeared at the house, let herself in and grabbed his wallet. She emerged from the house a pair of scissors in her hand and a fight ensued. Puddles of blood remain visible on his driveway.

Still was also injured in the dispute. Among her injuries was a partially severed finger.

I'm betting that neither the gas nor the ass were worth the fight.

Up and Coming Festival

2008-03-19T06:52:00.000-04:00

I know this looks like one of those photos of an innocent girl being photographed without knowing the dirty old man taking the pictures thinks the food looks like a penis. But in this case, the girl knows as she is eating food made to look like a schlong-long dog at a Harvest Festival known for featuring enormous wooden phalluses and stone testicles for event goers to rub. The city of Komaki, in central Japan hosts the best known and most graphic of these festivals.

This is a shrine where women go to pray for pregnancy. The photo may be proof that it works.

A little less material on top

2008-03-19T06:38:00.000-04:00

The find folks at Photoshop Disasters bring this gem Out of the closet:

It looks great, yeah great. You know, one little thing. No big deal. But if you could make the top of her head smaller? Just the top part? So it isn't hiding the banner. Yeah, no, I know, but you know what, no one cares about the top of her head. Just make it smaller. Yes, I know. Just make it smaller. Just do it. I'm just going to go ahead and make that an order. If you could do that, that would be great.

Oh, and if you could make her shoulder disappear, that would also be great.

Siphoning a cop car's gas for arson

2008-03-18T07:09:00.000-04:00

Is the thief in the Associated Press report stupid or brave? My professional opinion is "That boy just ain't right in the head."

LAMBERTVILLE, Mich. - A Monroe County sheriff's detective on a stakeout to catch an arsonist arrested the suspect as he tried to steal gas from the officer's cruiser. Officers were placed around homes currently under construction after police had gotten two arson complaints within the past week.

Several officers, including Detective Thomas Redmond, watched the 17-year-old walk away from his Lambertville home early Sunday carrying a bucket before he approached Redmond's unmarked vehicle.

Police say the teen unscrewed the gas cap and started siphoning the fuel before Redmond got out of the car and chased him.

Authorities say the teen later admitted to the two arsons as well as three other arsons in 2006.

As to whether this attempted theft took guts or balls, check out Tall Cool Drink of Water's Medical Distinction.

B-Grade Headlines

2008-03-18T07:00:00.004-04:00

It was a headline writer's wet dream...12 million bees turned lose on the interstate near Sacra- mento, California. What a tasty story, editors swarm around opportunities like this, as it's a honey of an opportunity to take the sting out of using too many bad puns...You get the idea. CNN went for "Now, that stings!" and Colorado's Channel 9 News lead with "'Bee-lieve' it."

My favorite part of the story was that the local paper covering the event is The Sacramento Bee. Their not so sweet headline?

Truckload of bees topples, closes Hwy. 99 ramp at Florin Road

And that for the writer who led with "Things were really humming Sunday at Florin Road and Highway 99."

Better to go with the more sensational "Hundreds of thousands die in truck wreck" referring to the estimated dead bee count. After all, shouldn't we count bee deaths as well as human deaths? Or is that another story?

Girl Saves the Day, Gets Detention

2008-03-17T06:18:00.000-04:00

Saving lives doesn't pay, at least for one 15-year old. The Monterey County Herald reports on a girl who pulled the emergency brake to stop a bus, only to get detention for being on the bus to start with.

Amanda Rouse was not supposed to be on the school bus, but might have averted a tragedy Wednesday when she managed to stop the vehicle after the driver fell out of her seat.

Rouse, a 15-year-old Marina High School student, was sitting behind the driver's seat and pulled the emergency brake when driver Christine L. Graves fell as she made the turn from Contra Costa Street onto Sonoma Avenue in Seaside about 8 a.m.

After Rouse pulled the brake, the bus hit two parked vehicles.

"We hit a bump and everything was going fast," said Rouse. "She fell off the seat and down the stairs."

The driver called to Rouse to pull the emergency brake.

"The back of her head was against the door," Rouse said. "I helped her up and then she called the station to help."

... Early Wednesday, Rouse felt ill while being bused to Marina High. Rather than calling in sick, she asked Graves if she could stay on the bus for a ride back to the bus yard. "I should have gotten off the bus and called my grandma," Rouse said.

Her grandmother, Sally Correll, said she was proud Rouse took quick and decisive action — but knows she made the wrong choice because she didn't call in sick to school.

"She is in trouble with school because she made the wrong decision," Correll said. "But I can't help but believe that she was where God wanted her to be."

Next time she'll know to let the bus crash and then flee the scene. That's what they've taught her in school anyway.

Road Closed for Toad Sex

2008-03-17T06:10:00.000-04:00

Amsterdam is, it would seem, behind the times by seeking to make sex in a park legal (see below). The Sun reports that in Wales, they closed a busy road for 10 hours so that toads could have sex on the tarmac.

Traffic built up as a 500ft section of the highway was shut between 8pm and 6am to allow the creatures to reach a breeding lake.

Thousands die every year crossing the road and conservationists hope the “Toad Watch” move will halt their decline. A spokesman said: “Over the years toads have got squashed. “Hopefully this will help more mate and the population will increase.”

The scheme at Llandrindod Wells is one of 70 in towns across Wales.

Apparently, unlike Amsterdam, heterosexual sex was permitted. Legislators can't seem to decide which is legal, so one would guess that being AC-DC is the safer bet for those traveling in Wales and the Netherlands.

Sex in the park to be legal

2008-03-16T15:46:00.005-04:00

From the city that brought you legal hash bars and a Red Light District full of prostitutes at bargain basement prices compared to the Governor's Rate, we now get legalized sex in the park:

Well, Amsterdam is famous for its Red Light district, but here's something else that's going to draw attention. Alderman Paul van Grieken has plans to allow public sex as part of this summer's new rules of conduct for the country's best-known park, Vondelpark.

If it's legal, that would almost take the fun out of it, wouldn't it? But the article in The Telegraph notes, "Dutch council officials will permit gay sex in public areas but fine dog owners who let their pets off the leash in Amsterdam's Vondelpark." So I guess as heterosexuality would still be outlawed, I could always feel like I was breaking the law.

15-year old carjacks from 12-year old

2008-03-16T15:24:00.003-04:00

This from The Chicago Tribune, a story with a better headline than story:

SOUTHWEST SIDE - A Chicago teenager accused of carjacking a vehicle from a 12-year-old boy who was warming up the car for his mother was ordered held Wednesday in lieu of $150,000 bail.

Byron Rush, 15, was charged as an adult with one count of vehicular hijacking. At a bond hearing Wednesday, Criminal Court Judge Adam Bourgeois Jr. ordered that Rush not have any contact with the victim or his family if he does post bail.

Pregnant Dancers Needed for Ballet

2008-03-16T07:23:00.002-04:00

Reuters brings news from London of a new ballet lumbering toward stage with a nine month deadline:

LONDON (Reuters)—Far from being heavy, lumbering and clumsy, pregnant women are often fascinating, beautiful and serene, according to the artistic director of one British ballet company. And to prove it, Balletlorent is recruiting 12 pregnant women to star in a dance production alongside six professional ballet dancers.

"MaEternal" will be performed in the northern English city of Newcastle in May and is offering the 12 who get through the auditions "a chance to share with an audience the beauty of what it means to carry the life of another within you."

Artistic Director Liv Lorent, who, coincidentally, is pregnant herself, says she has
always been keen to combine trained dancers with people from all ages and stages in life to make her ballet productions richer. "I've done projects in the past where I have invited all sorts of people—children, old people, builders, footballers doctors, all sorts—to take part," she told Reuters....

She notes the stark contrast between the typically lithe light and muscular physique of a dancer, and the softer, rounder contours of a pregnant woman, and delights in it. "You can't get a 25-year-old size 8 ballet dancer type body to move with the weight, the gravitas or the sheer cheerful spirit a pregnant woman," she said.

Women are beautiful when pregnant. Check. No arguments there. But should they dance ballet? When I go to a football game, I expect football players. When I go to Hooter's I expect the place to live up to its name. And if I'm going to watch a ballet, I would expect a professional dancer, not a pregnant woman waddling about with gravitas.

Hopes of Marriage Drift Away

2008-03-15T22:07:00.000-04:00

Reuter's reports from London on a man who lost a $12,000 dollar engagement ring. The amazing part is that the plonker hopes she doesn't find out what an idiot he is and yet he describes the whole incident to a reporter.

LONDON (Reuters) - It is the one moment every man wants to get right—and which London floor-fitter Lefkos Hajji could hardly have got more wrong. The luckless 28 year-old's dreams of giving his sweetheart, Leanne, 26, the ultimate proposal have literally vanished into thin air.

Hajji, of Hackney, east London, had concealed a $12,000 engagement ring inside a helium balloon. The idea was that she would pop the balloon as he popped the question.

But as he left the shop, a gust of wind pulled the balloon from his hand and he watched the ring—and quite possibly the affections of his girlfriend—sailing away over the rooftops.

"I couldn't believe it," he told The Sun newspaper. "I just watched as it went further and further into the air. I felt like such a plonker. It cost a fortune and I knew my girlfriend would kill me."

Hajji spent two hours in his car trying to chase and find the balloon, without success. "I thought I would give Leanne a pin so I could literally pop the question," he said.

"But I had to tell her the story—she went absolutely mad. Now she is refusing to speak to me until I get her a new ring." He is hoping the ring will still turn up. "It would be amazing if someone found it," he added.

He hopes that that the person who finds his dream proposal deflated with the $12,000 ring intact, will give him a ring. Really? Leanne got off easy. Surely she can do better than Hajji. In a just world, the man wouldn't be allowed to reproduce.

Road Rage

2008-03-15T09:31:00.002-04:00

Reuter's claims this is Seward Johnson's sculpture "The Awakening" is driven on a truck from East Patomac Park in Washington to its new home at the National Harbor in Prince George's County, Maryland. I claim it's a trucker popping cafeine pills and washing them down with Monster Java.

Karate works - who knew?

2008-03-14T07:00:00.000-04:00

It's been a bad few days for criminals. Not only did a mugger in Germany get taken down by a blind judo champion, but an armed robber in Colombia found out the hard way that a karate academy is a lousy place to try and rob.

The thief discovered the flaw in his plans when the students at the academy didn't take kindly to being robbed, police said on Friday. The robber is now recovering in a hospital, in Santander province north of Bogota, after the martial artists used their combat skills on him and took away his gun.

'An individual entered a martial arts school with a firearm but they managed to react, put their knowledge to use and disarmed him,' Santander police commander Col. Julio Cesar Santoyo told local Caracol radio.

The karate classes I took would only have attacked if he was made out of boards or if he bowed toward the class and bowed toward the instructor before wielding his gun.

The High Cost of Cheap Sex

2008-03-13T23:32:00.000-04:00

You are either the only man on earth not to whack off imaging sex with this woman worth that much money or you are the only woman not to wonder how much The Gov would have paid for an hour with you.

And if you are in the news business, you have already used this 20-something as a foil for finding out everything you ever wanted to know about high-priced whores.

And if you haven't been to her MySpace page, you may be the last person left on the web who has yet to hear her sing http://www.myspace.com/ninavenetta It's not as bad as you thought it would be, but I'm not sleeping with the Governor of New York just for a thousand bucks and a million hits on a MySpace page.

Romanian Redneck

2008-03-12T12:05:00.000-04:00

A man rides a horse-drawn cart carrying an old Dacia car for sale as scrap iron in Telega, 100km (62 miles) north of Bucharest, Romania, March 6, 2008.

Gone in 86,400 Seconds

2008-03-11T22:48:00.000-04:00

From the Tacoma, WA News-Tribune:

YAKIMA, Wash.—Yakima police took notice when 11 Hondas were stolen in a two-week period. Now they are investigating nine Honda thefts that occurred in a period of about 24 hours.... According to police there were an average of 2.3 car thefts a day last year in Yakima, population about 83,000.

In a town where there's a one percent chance your car will get stolen, maybe a day like this is to be expected.

97% Chance They Would Hold the Load

2008-03-10T21:53:00.000-04:00

Natural Selection

2008-03-09T09:13:00.000-04:00

CareerBuilder.com created a list of the stupidest job interview mistakes. The list, based on a survey of 3,061 U.S. hiring managers and human resources professionals by research company Harris Interactive, found the top 10 most outrageous mistakes were:

Candidate answered cell phone and asked the interviewer to leave her own office because it was a "private" conversation.
Candidate told the interviewer he wouldn't be able to stay with the job long because he thought he might get an inheritance if his uncle died—and his uncle wasn't "looking too good."
Candidate asked the interviewer for a ride home after the interview.
Candidate smelled his armpits on the way to the interview room.
Candidate said she could not provide a writing sample because all of her writing had been for the CIA and it was "classified."
Candidate told the interviewer he was fired for beating up his last boss.
When an applicant was offered food before the interview, he declined saying he didn't want to line his stomach with grease before going out drinking.
A candidate for an accounting position said she was a "people person" not a "numbers person."
Candidate flushed the toilet while talking to interviewer during phone interview.
Candidate took out a hair brush and brushed her hair.

Bad Fortune

2008-03-08T19:55:00.000-05:00

Fortune cookies help cops nab suspect:

TULSA, Okla. Two fortune cookies helped Tulsa police make an arrest after a pair of break-ins Chinese restaurants. Terrence Middleton, 30, was booked Friday on charges of second-degree burglary and attempted second-degree burglary after police responded to a burglar alarm to find him with more than $20 in coins and the cookies in his pockets, Officer Leland Ashley said.

What reporter wrote this crap? They let you know that the robbers were caught with $20 in cash and fortune cookies from the restaurant, but they don't even tell you what the fortune's said.

Burned her Wang for not washing his feet

2008-03-07T22:23:00.000-05:00

Finally a wife with the balls to be a husband...

BEIJING (Reuters) - A Chinese bride burned her new husband to death after he got into bed after a drunken argument without washing his feet, state media reported on Wednesday. "Wang and his wife, Luo, were married on February 2. The couple, however, frequently fought over trivial things while still on their honeymoon," the official Xinhua news agency quoted a local newspaper as saying.
The couple, from the central province of Hubei, had another fight on the night of March 4, "and in frustration they together drank a bottle of liquor to ease their anger."
"At about 10 p.m., Luo watched her husband get into bed without cleaning or washing his feet. In a fit of anger and intoxication, she set fire to the sheet he was sleeping in," the report said. "When he awoke, the two began fighting before a very drunk Wang collapsed. As fire engulfed the bedroom. Luo escaped to the living room, leaving her other half to burn," it added. The woman has been arrested, Xinhua said.

One Way to Fit Into a Race Car

2008-03-06T15:06:00.000-05:00

Oregon man takes posthumous NASCAR spin
The Associated Press

TALENT, Ore. Big George Helms had tickets for last weekend's NASCAR race at the Las Vegas Motor Speedway, but died before he got to use them. He still made it to the track, though.

At 6-foot-5 and 400 pounds, Helms wouldn't have been able to fit into a race car. But after his death from a heart attack Dec. 28, loved ones decided to try to fulfill the 54-year-old's dream of participating in a NASCAR race, and arranged for the former logger's ashes to be driven around the track.

"His friends came up to us during the memorial service and asked us if they could take his ashes to the NASCAR race," said Helms' mother, Dixie Helms. "I said 'He'd love that.'"

Driver Mike Harmon taped Helms' urn to the fire extinguisher of his Nationwide Series car during practice last Friday. He told ESPN he could hear someone squealing when he went through a couple of turns. "I swear I did," Harmon said. "I heard a noise I've never heard before. It happened just one time, through Turns 1 and 2."

Going through those turns were enough to give his ashes a second heart attack. The photo above shows driver Mike Harmon in an earlier wreck the logger was lucky his ashes weren't belted in for.

No Class

2008-03-05T12:02:00.000-05:00

Man hits woman on way to anger control class

According to the criminal complaint, Boudin was waiting at a bus stop in August when he harassed a 59-year-old woman. Witnesses say he yelled "Why don't you show me some respect?" at the woman. The complaint says when she took out her cell to call police, he punched her in the face. When a 63-year-old man tried to stop him, Boudin hit him with a blue folder. Then he ran, dropping the folder. Police were able to track him down using the papers inside, which included his name and his anger management homework.

This isn't news. Tell me that he hit a woman on the way home from anger management class and then we've got a news story and a possible class action lawsuit from clients not helped by classes that just make them mad when they have to pay for them.

He's a man ain't he?

2008-03-04T09:24:00.000-05:00

Under Aware

2008-03-03T09:18:00.001-05:00

Only in this State of Confusion I call home would they legislate this at the state level.

TALLAHASSEE, Florida (Reuters) - The Florida Senate wants public school students to pull up their pants. Lawmakers passed a bill Thursday that could mean suspensions for students with droopy britches.

It won't become law unless the House of Representatives passes a companion measure. Florida could join several southern U.S. towns and cities that have passed "saggy pants" laws aimed at outlawing what some teenagers consider a fashion statement—wearing pants half way down their buttocks, exposing flesh or underwear.

Supporters say schools sometimes don't properly police dress codes and parents are often "under aware" of what their kids are wearing to school.

Call me when they outlaw Snowbirds.

Bass Ackwards

2008-03-02T09:26:00.002-05:00

Headlines I've collected that say the opposite of what they meant:

Never withhold herpes from loved one
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
War dims hope for peace
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Game too close to call

2008-03-01T21:58:00.000-05:00

All The News That Just Ain't Fittin'

2008-02-29T21:12:00.000-05:00

If you are looking for cute stories that make you feel good inside, you've come to the wrong blog.

If you are looking for stuff that makes you say, "Oh shit Martha, looky here," then you've come to the right place.

I search the real news to find the wierdest crap, so you don't have to.

-The Snarkiest